Festival season has finally kicked into full gear, but for those who can’t spare the extra change or time to attend the weekend long event, don’t worry you’re not missing out on too much. Although, the spectacle of seeing your favorite artists perform a live set can be mind-altering and a lifelong memory, it seems that people are more preoccupied in showcasing themselves rather than enjoying the music itself. Ladies, it’s time to forget about your rage gear, light-sticks, pacifiers and other childish distractions that can possibly spoil the experience (for yourself and others), instead, just enjoy the show. No one really cares what you’re wearing; most of us are exclusively here for the stellar beats and an excuse to move. Here are 10 Girls You’ll Meet at Spring Awakening this weekend.
1. The Girl Who Believes She’s A Fairy
You’ll see this little woodland creature fluttering her sparkly fairy wings and leaving a trail of glitter, making sure she can find her way back home. With a bright neon tutu that can be spotted from outer space and sub-Arctic furry boots, this girl is sure to sprinkle you with her magical dust, constantly get in the way and annoy you with her scratchy wings.
2. The Baby
With a flashing binky in her mouth and two childish sideways ponytails, this baby won’t stop crying until a stranger hands her a lollipop or trades her some arm kandi. It’s best to steer clear of this infant, unless you’re into hot messes and baby voices.
3. The Girl Who Belongs at a Strip Club
She looks as though her name is Alexis or Mercedes. Spot her out by looking for fishnets, barely-there bottoms and a decked out flashy, layered push-up bra, allowing her boobs to appear three times their original size (not that I’m complaining). This lovely lady may have not gotten the memo, but it’s a music festival not a gentleman’s club. Sadly she won’t be receiving bills in exchange for her dignity here.
4. The Total Sorostitute
It’s summer and school’s out, but there’s no such thing as off-season for a sorostitute. This girl can’t go anywhere without an entourage of sorority sisters beside her. #TSM. There is often a group of frat stars trying to figure out which of those chicks they’re hoping to bang later that night. With her neon bro tanks, plastic sun glasses and probably a pair of Sperrys on her feet, she HAS to let everyone know that she is in a house. Someone tell her to save the hand signs because, truth be told, no one really cares.
5. The Girl Who’s Lost
You really don’t know who she is and where she came from … she just ended up in your group of friends mid-day into the festival. She claims she has lost her friends, but soon enough you’ll realize why they ditched her…
6. The Babe Who Found Molly For The First Time
Sweet and innocent no longer. This girl is probably having the time of her life staring at every brightly colored object out there. She doesn’t care where she is as long as she’s gnawing on a piece of candy and bass blasting in her face, with some random guy groping her from behind. You go Glen Coco!
7. The Rollhead’s Girlfriend
It’s obvious she looks like she is having a terrible time and doesn’t really understand why people love EDM. Her drugged up boyfriend is rocking out and trying to push to the front, forgetting that she even came along. With her high heels and over-sized purse, she should have saved her money and gone shopping along Michigan Ave.
8. The Die Hard Krewella Fan
Forget Bassnecter, Calvin Harris or Moby, this girl only came here for Krewella. She may have known them once in high school or claims that they’re BFF’s after that one time backstage, but there’s no point in arguing music with her. As she would say, “KREWELLA IS THE BEST DJ EVER!!!”
9. The Groupie
Dancing in front of the stage, while attempting to sexily gaze into the DJ’s eyes, this girl’s main hope is getting backstage just to get it with someone famous. Who cares if the artist is married, has kids, or is some fat 40 year old slob who hasn’t dropped a hot single in over 10 years. She just wants that five minutes of stardom in hopes that she’ll be his next side-b*tch. In rare cases this girl is seen in disguise wearing a press pass around her neck. The thirst is real.
10. The Indistinguishable Fashionista
Oh Coachella, we thank you for making girls think that music festivals are in fact fashion shows. One out of every ten girls will be sporting the “Festival Look,” also known as the “Urban Outfitters crop top with thrift store high-wasted shorts and head band” look. As cutting-edge as she’s trying to appear, hopefully she’ll realize the girl next to her is wearing the same exact outfit…